Okay, let’s be honest (if you can’t be honest on the internet, where can you?). I hate working out. I love walking for hours, and/or going on hikes that literally and figuratively leave you breathless. Prancing around my house in my sweats just makes me feel silly, but I have to because the weather here has been not so great. Also, while I’m whining, I hurt myself on Wednesday. I guess it’s been longer than I thought since I was working out every day and I lost what mojo I had.
I picked out a workout, and before I tell you the name, just remember that I will be explaining it and the reason I chose it. Don’t laugh. Promise? Insert Pulp Fiction reference here. It’s called “Ballet Beautiful”.
STAY WITH ME, I’m about to explain.
I am a poor, single mother with a large quantity of free time at my job. I don’t relish the idea of buying workout equipment. On the list of things to buy (a car, shirts for the baby and a phone that is not my little brother’s “old gaming phone”), equipment for the time of day I have to physically exert myself to shed pounds is not high on my list. That’s how I found myself googling “no equipment workouts” for an entire afternoon. I found a lot of workouts that seemed really promising until I reached the line “almost no equipment”. And generally, the equipment was a pilates machine. WTF, Google? We used to be best buds and now I feel like you’re messing with me just for the fun of it. I did, eventually, find http://popworkouts.com/ and, amongst hundreds of workouts, I found “Ballet Beautiful” and it actually DID NOT include equipment. I decided not to swim a mile every day. You know…sanity.
If you decide to do this workout, or any workout, one of the first things I would urge you to check is your abdominals. (This tip is for the ladies with babies). I found out that I am the lucky winner of a diastasis recti, meaning the muscles of my abdomen still haven’t fully closed. (See a super scientific picture below.) I thought they would have by now, they’re supposed to close on their own, and, like an idiot full of blissful ignorance I went on to do planks and crunches, thinking, “Gee, my stomach muscles feel pretty funny!”
So now I have to be careful. As one woman put it, “doing crunches without fixing your [diastasis recti] is like buttoning a shirt from the top and only going halfway – the bottom is just going to keep flopping around.” Um…gross.
I did eat better this week, and I did it intentionally, not just because I’m poor. I have a confession: I stress-ate a chocolate bar. AND IT WAS GLORIOUS.
I won’t be posting progress pictures this week, as there has not been any visible progress. I figure I’ll post them about once a month, progress or no, but once a week feels too sad.
Also, I just want to come back to the Ballet Beautiful workout before we go. If you read the description for this workout, you’ll find out that Natalie Portman weighed 92 pounds by the end of it. I do not endorse that kind of rapid weight loss, no matter how healthy anyone says it has been done. I don’t dance for eight hours or swim a mile on top of this workout. It just seemed like a good NO EQUIPMENT work out and I am SORE. So far, the arms workout seems confusing (because I know no ballet, and popworkouts assured me I wouldn’t need to know) and my arms are not sore at all. But the rest of it I do like, so I think I’ll put the legs part into any serious kind of routine. However, I am on the lookout for a new regimen, so if you know of any, let me know.