Genesis Chapter 1

“In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.” Yep…it’s about to get good.

Right off the bat, we know the writer of the Bible is a pro at getting people to keep turning the pages. I mean, this is a pretty good hook. The beginning of what? The beginning of the known universe? The beginning of time? Does this mean there are other universes? Other times? And does the God of this book come from one of those universes or times? I guess we’ll have to keep reading to find out, but I have to say, I’m excited.

God makes a form out of a void and light. Pretty heavy stuff. Or not, I don’t know, how much does light weigh?

Then the writer kind of loses the thread a bit.

“And God said, ‘Let there be an expanse in the middle of the waters and let it separate the waters from the waters.’ And God made the expanse and separated the waters that were under the expanse from the waters that were above the expanse. And it was so.”

We get to read the word expanse no less than eight times in one page as well as phrases like “the waters swarm with swarms”.

I have to say, I’m a little disappointed. My two year old is just learning sentence structure and talks like this. “When I’m running I go running and I’m running and I’m running! And I like it!” But maybe I’m being too hard on the author. Maybe this guy is being paid by the word, like a content writer and the content doesn’t really have to be great.

So God makes the heavens and the earth and a shitload of expanses and then he makes all the things that swarm in the swarms of the swarmland as well as some birds. But I have a question. We know that birds come from dinosaurs, it’s pretty clear from the fossil record. So are you telling me that not only is the author of the Bible not writing great content and his editor is definitely buying him a Thesaurus for his birthday, he is also not fact-checking anything at all? Lame. At least he remembered to make God say, “Let birds multiply on earth,” because otherwise they might have got stuck in that swarm maelstrom and we never would have even had birds.

Now, I don’t want to get too picky about definitions. We could argue that literature is art and art is subjective and loads of authors have used words in ways that the words were not originally meant for. But I have one more word I would like to discuss with the author of the Bible before I can move on. That word is livestock.

Apparently, God made livestock “according to their kinds” – whatever that means. Livestock, by definition, is, “Farm animals regarded as an asset.” For something to be an asset, there has to be money. For there to be money there has to be capitalism. And for there to be capitalism, there have to be other living things that God is trading livestock for. Now, even before I picked up this book, I was pretty sure I knew enough about God to know he doesn’t need to trade livestock to make a living. He can make fucking expanses like nobody’s business. There’s got to be a huge market for that. Why is he wasting time with cows?

Moving on from the total lack of appreciation for story progression, we reach the beginning of humans.

“So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.” Neato. Then God told them to be fruitful and multiply, the same command he gave to the birds and the swarms. He did not specify whether humans should be fruitful and multiply on land or in the water because God totally knows what’s up with water sex. It’s great. Just not salt water and also not hot tubs. I kind of wish God had had enough foresight to make a commandment about no sex in hot tubs because that’s just nasty.

Anyway, God gave the humans dominion over the whole earth. That’s a lot of responsibility. It’s kind of like when you get a plant at the store and you think, “Cool, I’ll have a plant and it will get rid of the bad air and make the good air and I’ll put it in the window and water it every day,” and then you get it home and it turns out it’s the kind of plant that needs only morning sunlight on the seventh day of the twelfth month when Mars is in the house of Saturn and you have to water it from the bottom up but you can only use a third cup of water and you have to water it every two and a half hours. In other words, more responsibility than the human race was asking for, I can assure you.

Once he’d made humans and looked around a little, God decided he’d made some good shit and he was super proud of all his expanses and swarms and livestock that couldn’t exist. “So God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it God rested from all his work that he had done in creation.”

I kind of feel like God left it a little unfinished myself. Like…maybe none of this tectonic shit so everything we have and love is not dumped into the ocean. Or maybe we get a handle on the cells in the human body that fruitfully multiply into cancer. That’s probably a bug that needs to be worked out of the system before we roll everything off the assembly line. I feel like God was cooking something fancy and halfway through realized he didn’t have all the ingredients and just went, “Meh.”

But now we’ve gone into Chapter 2, so I’m going to stop here. Let me know what you think of Chapter 1!

 

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Bible Study

I’ve been wanting to plug in book reviews for a very long time. I thought for a long time what book I wanted to do.  There are many books I would love to review. I especially love reading really, really bad books and writing reviews for them. These have previously been seen only by myself.

So, what was the worst book I had ever read?

In execution, dialogue, character study and plausibility, the absolute, worst book I have ever read has been the Bible.

Now, before there is some kind of outrage from the no one that reads this blog, let me tell you a little about myself.

I was raised as an evangelical Christian. “Non-denominational” is what we called ourselves, but evangelical is what we were. I went on to be a part of an organization called Youth With A Mission after high school, whose motto is, “To go out and make God known,” part of a verse from the book of Matthew and apparently one of the things Jesus told us to do. Doesn’t get much more evangelical than that.

To spread the Good News, one must first know the Good News. And this means reading the Bible. I read the Bible for the first time, from beginning to end, when I was 16. I had read almost the entirety of the Bible before, just not from page 1 to page however-many-pages-there-are-the-current-edition-I-am-reading-is-a-Kindle-sorry-so-sorry. I continued to read whole books of the Bible in one sitting but this will be the first time since I was 16 that I will attempt page 1 to the end of this ginormous, super boring, let’s face it, book.

Even when I was a Christian, I struggled with Bible reading. This book could not be more boring, yo. And not because it lacks action. No. It’s not that easy.

There’s all kinds of crazy shit in the Bible. Sex, scandal, political intrigue, talking animals, planet-wide calamities, and that’s before you stop reading Genesis. Excellent. There’s also incest, domestic abuse, including child abuse, genocide, commands from God to kill children, and loads of other, super unsavory stuff. So you would think it would be interesting right? Well, you’re wrong.

The thing about the Bible is, it was written, even the beginning parts, in a very, very different time. Story telling itself, was different. Since you couldn’t just pop in the DVD of Charlton Heston being Moses, you had to actually remember the story of Moses if you wanted to talk about it later, or think about it while you’re only living for 30 years. So the stories get told over and over again. Instead of taking out the old edition and putting in a new edition on reprint, they would just leave the old edition in there so there’s loads of repetition. There’s also a whole fucking book of the Bible where God says how much shit costs. This is important to redemption, apparently.

However, I think there’s a lot of room for humor. Looking back on my Christian days, I remember a lot of times where I would sit with friends making Bible puns and laughing our heads off about Biblical turns of phrase. (Because so much was forbidden to us, much like the people in the Bible, we didn’t have a bunch to do, so don’t judge me, okay?)

I’d very much like to start a review of the Bible. And so tomorrow, I will post a post that will be the start of #BadBookWednesday.

I will not be forgetting #FitnessFriday. It might shock you to learn that I am not the most disciplined person. (Check out the archives!) I still have to lose some weight, so I’ll be posting about that on Fridays. I’d like to say I’ll post more but I think a twice a week commitmet is pretty ballsy for someone as lazy as myself, so let’s just work from there.

I’m really looking forward to hearing other people’s thoughts, so don’t be shy about commenting!

Officially at a Healthy Weight

So I logged in my weight to webmd’s Fitness Planner (side note: it seems like everyone loves myfitnessplanner.com, which is really great, but webmd is a lot better at guestimating calories burned through exercise. I am sure I’m doing it wrong, but My Fitness Planner only shows calories burned for cardio and I can’t get it to enter in anything I do with weights. I can, but it doesn’t show calories burned. Also webmd’s Fitness Planner shows how much of what you ate that day was carbs, fat and protein by percentage points instead of grams and that just helps me visualize better. Wow, this side note kind of became the point of this blog).

ANYWAY. I am officially out of the over weight range. I was fifty pounds overweight after I had the baby and I dropped fifteen pounds once I had her. I teetered between 215 and 210 for almost a year. If I can be brutally honest: If you are working full time and you are a single breastfeeding mother, things are not going to go well in the weight loss department. One of those things has to change. And breastfeeding is what changed for me. It still took me a while to find a good weight loss regimen, one that I can not only stick to, but also cheat on with impunity. And I guess I’ve done that!

Now, this determination of “healthiness” is determined on weight and not body fat percentage, but since it’s taken me two years to lose forty pounds, I think it’s safe to say I wasn’t starving myself to lose weight.

I’m very proud of myself this morning and thought I would share!

Cheering Minions

Fitness Friday for the Lazy

In all this time that I’ve been silent, I have totally been working out every day.

Busting Up

Haha, sorry, I couldn’t say that with a straight face.. I have been trying really hard to work out more though. And I have been succeeding.

pimp walking

In all seriousness, I’ve been averaging a work out three times a week. I come home, try to get outside with my daughter for at least twenty minutes, make dinner, watch a little TV, have a little cuddle time, put my daughter to bed and then work out. Since the last time I wrote, this bootcamp regime of working out whenever I feel like it, I have lost fifteen pounds, so clearly something is working. (Not just my mouth, har-de-har-har).

I have always HATED it when people said, “Oh, I can’t go a day without working out. I’m like, totes addicted to endorphins.” What planet are these people from? But after working out every day for two weeks (which is the longest stretch I’ve done, believe me, because for the past two weeks I have not worked out at all) I started to see what they meant. It wasn’t like I was looking forward to the workout. I still l felt all the feels that I normally feel with my feelers at the thought of working out.

depressed

You mean you like, want me to get up? And put pants on? AND A BRA?? But once it got to be around bed time for my toddler, I was getting very antsy. My patience went from minimal to zilch. I was addicted to the endorphins and my body needed the rush, and it knew that rush happened at about 8:15 every night. And it got PISSED when it didn’t happen, in the form of me snapping at my roommate, or writing really snarky comments on reddit.

Meltdown

So even though I haven’t been as dedicated and disciplined as I would have hoped, I still have managed to get under what I think of as the “Gross Threshold”. The Gross Threshold, by the way, is not named as such because people who are overweight are gross. It’s called the Gross Threshold because I feel gross at a certain weight. When I have to rummage for clothes at Goodwill that will cover my breadback and minimize my FUPA, I feel gross. And even though I’m still overweight, I feel better. My clothes are fitting better and I have even put away the pregnancy jeans. (They kind of split in half with a very comical sound when I stepped over the baby gate, but they were too loose anyway.)

My point is, I’m doing what I can to make my body better. My mind is a landmine of stress. I don’t know how much longer I can afford my apartment, I have to find a new roommate, an unmentionable dude still has a soul like a bag of dicks,  and on top of all that I did not perform well at work last month, and my obsessive compulsive disorder is coming back. (Shit – did I leave the oven on? Aw, cripes.)

A Fire

But I can still eat right. I found this site: http://www.budgetbytes.com/. It’s all so good. I am no where near trying every recipe, but the stuff I have tried is delicious. (I particularly recommend http://www.budgetbytes.com/2014/11/moroccan-lentil-vegetable-stew/).

I can still go outside for twenty minutes despite the weather. I can still work out on the days I don’t feel like I’m going to die if I don’t get to just sit and read.

I can still take care of myself and my daughter and that’s the most important thing. Sometimes that means taking a mental break and playing the Sims. Sometimes that means working out as hard as I can hit it. Sometimes it means working out and bitching about it in my head the whole time. I can still make Fitness my goal, even if it’s not the most important one.

EDIT: A recent progress picture will be up tonight.

This Delay Almost Killed This Blog

So yeah…my life sort of went down the toilet hole for a bit there. I actually heard the flush. It was bad. There was a person in my life (who is, unfortunately, still in my life in a pretty big way. I’m not saying he’s the father of my child, but let’s just say if my daughter bought a gift for this person in June, it would be a tie…you get my drift?) who was making my life unbelievably lame to live. My life and my daughter’s life. There was scariness, intrigue, but mostly just a lot of anger and tears. I’m okay, and my daughter is okay, and thank the good lord of the dance the rest of my family is okay, but it was pretty dicey for a while there. And public. And in a small town. I really, really don’t like this person and what they’ve done, and I was actually surprised at how far this person was willing to go.

It gave me time to reflect on the way people react to the misfortune of others. I am not about to talk about how none of us should gossip. We all do it, and honestly, there’s nothing inherently wrong with gossiping. I gossip with my mom and one friend who doesn’t live in this town anymore all the time. Why? Because I know it’s not going any further than those two. The friend doesn’t really care what happens here anymore and my mom and I have established that anything I tell her stays in the cone of silence and vice versa. I don’t mind that people are telling this dumb story about me and my family to everyone they know. I expect it. What I don’t expect is for people who don’t even know me to come up to me in the store and offer moral support, or for acquaintances to say they’re here for me if I need to talk.

It makes me feel like this:

But of course I can’t say that, because then I would hurt their feelings and alienate them and I don’t want to do that. Either they’re genuinely concerned for me, which is sweet, or they want to see me squirm and the second kind of people aren’t worth the breath it takes to think of them. However misguided the first people are, they are trying to help in their own way.

I really felt an anger that was beyond anger about the whole thing. The incident itself, how it affected myself and my family and the way people were treating us after.

NO NO NO

Then things got a little better. There was a weekend, and some time to spend with my family in which we began to repair and revive. It was exhausting. Afterward, on Monday, when I had to go back into work and pretend I was still a human of this planet and not some off-the-wall alien creature (because surely this sort of feeling and thing does not happen to humans), I felt like this:

And then I felt like this:

I’m joking, that’s just my favorite doge meme and I wanted to share it.

I’m not saying that you shouldn’t comfort people who are having a hard time. I’m certainly not saying you should never, ever gossip. I’m only saying that if it’s common knowledge someone is having a rough go of it, wait until they open up to you. Otherwise, the kindest, most valuable thing you can give them is your silence, and, hopefully, your listening ears.

And I’m also saying that I’m back. I apologize that it took so long for me to update.

What Have I Done?

I was really hoping to do a weekly thing here, but I was also hoping to be honest. And, if I’m being honest, I’m a working single mom and once a week might be a lot. But it’s what I’m going to strive for.

The next post will be about my fitness, I promise. Until then, thanks for reading, and I look forward to the next post (because I lost some weight!).